I am constantly reminded of how the skills needed for parenting are totally different than anything I learned in school or at work. No algebra or American history needed here. A little psychology and some civics maybe. What parents need are a whole different set of totally unexpected skills.
My list of the 5 most important unexpected skills after the jump.
1. Doing everything with one hand
Forget about climbing a rope, square dancing and badminton (though dodge ball is occasionally useful), parents need to develop systems for doing everything one handed. Our kids turn us into two-torsoed monsters with one arm we control and two tiny ninja arms that try to constantly make us drop things.
Our house has a laundry room in a carport with something slightly more improved than a dirt floor. To avoid laundry time become a full blown outing requiring shoes, a bow tie and a snack, I usually just throw Finn into the laundry basket as he is and brave the cave. To keep him from catching and eating cockroaches, running off into traffic or getting liver flukes, I put Finn on top of the drier and keep one hand on him while loading the washer, measuring laundry detergent and moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. Thank goodness it's a side-loading drier - else hilarity would ensue.
Other things that need to be done one handed. Making dinner, paying cashiers and gardening.
Most difficult things to do one handed. Chopping vegetables, sweeping (or at least picking up the pile of dirt), watching tv while trying to get Finn not to watch tv (ironic, isn't it).
2. Interspecies marriage counseling/interspecies mixed martial arts referee
One of my big worries is that our cat might actually hurt Finn. Finn loves Jack. Jack loves food. Correction, Jack only loves food. I will admit that Jack has bitten Finn leaving scratches, but never puncturing the skin (somehow in my head this sounds different than a pit bull owner arguing their dog is so sweet most of the time and this is the first time they mauled a baby, but maybe its just me). Finn wants to snuggle and cuddle with Jack, but Jack has many idiosyncrasies when it comes to affection. Ears may be touched, but fingers may not be inserted into ear canals. The belly may be petted once, and only once before biting ensues. The butt hole is not a button for pushing. Best just to keep fingers out of/off of all orifices. Jack shall lie on others at will but shall never be laid on, less his internal organs might become one big sweet meatloaf.
Finn doesn't always pick up on the cues that a petting session is approaching a nuclear, fangy meltdown. So Danielle and I have a firm rule in our house: we will protect Finn from Jack and we will protect Jack from Finn. At the same time, Finn does need to learn to be nice and gentle with animals. So I need to read the moods of the little creatures, encourage them to listen to each other, to walk away if needed and trying to stop fights before someone loses an ear or gets choked out.
3. Multitasking
I'm not talking about doing your homework while blogging, IMing your friends, texting and playing WOW. I'm not talking about making a work schedule while colating papers, copy editing a memo and playing on Facebook. I'm talking about really important multitasking. For example, writting this blog (one handed) while preventing Finn from falling off the couch or violating one of the Jack-laws. Why is this real multitasking you ask? Because I am always doing things while trying to save a human life at all times.
4. Seeing danger everywhere
Everything can hurt, maim or kill your child. Yes, it can. There are the obvious things like knives, moving cars, stray dogs, grapes, anaphylactic shock, Ebola, falling off couches and cats. But it's the MacGyver-esc scenarios that Finn creates that keep me up at night. For example, Finn could violate a Jack-law while eating a snack on the couch causing Jack to push him off the couch knocking Finn unconscious and causing him to choke on a goldfish. Or he could pry out an electrical outlet safety plug with an errant long nail, dip a plastic clothes hanger into Jack's water bowl, insert the wetted hanger into the outlet tripping a circuit breaker and allowing Finn to drag a chair to the door, unlock the door, open the front door and run into traffic under cover of darkness. Or more recently (as in 5 minutes ago) falling off the rocking chair while looking out the window. How did I not SEE that coming!
5. Pushing the crazy down
The trick is to see danger everywhere and to mostly do nothing about it in order to avoid becoming a total wreck. One must be smarter than a baby by thinking stupider than a baby about what might become a shiv, choking hazard or electrically conducting surface. Only let MacGyver complete two of the three steps.
We call it pushing the crazy down. It's really hard to do at first, but gets easier with time and practice. I figure by the time Finn is 15 I will be so secure with imminent danger (and sick of his teenage ways)that I will be creating unsafe situations to test his ability to see danger and so I can say, "I told you so."
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