A New Year

A lot has happened since my last post, which I suppose means it's been a while. Nap times have been busy over the last few months looking for employment, prepping for Christmas and doing a few side jobs. Finn's growth and development is accelerating. He goes non-stop, all day long and has acquired the wonderful habit of saying "no" to everything. Oh and he has an insatiable desire for chocolate, which is strange because he has only had a handful of M&Ms over the course of his entire life. But he will still feign that he is not hungry for dinner and then ask for "treats". When I give him a granola bar he promptly dissects out the tiny little chocolate shavings, leaving behind a granola carcass. It's more like an activity than a snack...

So, big changes over the last few months.

1. We are having another baby. I am already arguing that this one is our last. Danielle is more persistent than ever that she wants four. Finn alone makes me feel like I am the last minute replacement for a MMA title fight. My arm is dangling, my guard is down, yet instead of just knocking me into blissful unconsciousness he's running around the ring giggling and sort of skip-hop-dancing(?). I am totally over matched by my 1.5 year old.

2. I got a job! A really good job with an amazing organization called Seed Savors Exchange. The logistics of the move are killing us though. And as you can imagine, it's not easy to find a rental in Decorah, IA (or is it IO?... must be IW), population 6,000, in January. It's also difficult because none of the landlords seem to have email accounts or digital cameras. It's a running joke around here that if we are going to actually get to see a rental we are interested in, it will take several weeks for the landlord to actually get pictures to us, what with him/her having to purchase a new disposable camera, develop the film AND get to the post office before it closes at 5 pm to send us the pictures.

3. The blog has a new, longer format so that you, Dear Reader, can spend even more time on the clock catching up on my life. Your welcome.

So I suppose it is time to reflect a bit on the last 6 months I have been a stay at home parent. I am trying really hard not to think that things are finally lining back up, that I am finally going to be doing what I was supposed to be doing all along. I've been really fortunate to spend so much time with my son. We've laid a foundation that he may not remember, but that will have lasting effects on our relationship and my parenting skillz.

And the truth is I have developed a great deal of empathy for both stay at home parents and working parents. The roles have truly changed in our house over the last few months (although I still can't keep an appointment without a reminder from Danielle). I know Finn's schedule and how it changes. I read the tea leaves in his cup and anticipate Hurricane Finn. I translate American Finn Language into English. Sometimes Danielle feels a little left out and wants to rush home from work to be with us, which I totally get. And other times she gets home and she needs to decompress in absentia. Been there, felt that too.

I am very grateful to have been able to become a truly hands on dad. There is no deferring of care in this household. If the little monster drops-a-two, the last one that touched him jumps up to change a diaper (usually... otherwise there is some bartering and bargaining that happens). I compare this to a dad I once witnessed lining up his toddler for a collision course with mommy after noticing his little angel's diaper had expired. Additionally, if Finn goes all Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger on the bookshelf, he's got two pairs of watchful eyes just waiting to ruin his fun! That's because I have developed parentuition; the ability to foretell injury, smell danger and hear mischief even when it's quiet mischief (P.S. quiet mischief is the WORST KIND!!). Danielle always had parentuition, but now that both of us have it, there's a good chance Finn will live to 18.

I now recognize also that being a proactive working dad is really hard. First, we are fighting the cultural stereotype that dads should be heard and not seen. Then there is the stereotype that men aren't good at nurturing young children, especially daughters. These stigmas have forced many dads to the sidelines where they are sometimes happy to be relegated to spectatorship (side note: I thought that I invented this word, but I did not. Damn.) to their children's young lives and are only called upon to be protectors and disciplinarians when the monsters become truly hideous things - teenagers.

And again, I am empathetic to sideline dads! In the past I have been perfectly happy to depend upon Danielle for knowing when Finn needed to eat, bath, sleep and excrete. So when I see dads in the same role I was in, I can't judge them. I have totally complained to Danielle, "I don't know why he's so crabby," to be countered with, "Well, did you feed him?" The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: "He didn't tell me he was hungry."

Danielle: "He's one."

Me: **hangs head and walks towards refrigerator**

I do however, want dads to know this: If you want to be more involved in your child's life, make some decisions, make some mistakes, make some messes and take some control. If you are happy to loudly judge from the bleachers, don't be surprised when someone throws a chair at you.

For spouses of sideline dads I offer this advice: Let a little more go and truly assess whether you want long term co-parenting help or if you just want a break, but without having to give up any control over your household. Moms may need to give hesitant dads permissions to get involved in the decision making. And nothing will make a timid dad recoil from parenting responsibility faster than being asked to help, then being told that they are doing it wrong. Along these same lines, I think stay at home parents all get a little caught up in thinking that a good day has a specific tempo and schedule, myself included. If you truly want more help solving problems, accept that dad's solutions won't look exactly like yours. Also consider that the stay-at-homer is often alone with the kiddos and free from judging eyes - i.e. we have no witnesses to our oversights, mistakes and lapses in judgment, while most working dads (or moms) are constantly co-parenting.

I'd like to hear how other have dealt with similar issues so leave a comment.